Category: Personal

Healing Emotionally and Physically

I haven’t written in ages. I tried once during the spring. I’m still keeping up with creativity, just not writing. I have been drawing lately. It has been difficult two years for me emotionally and physically. I am slowly healing and getting stronger.

My block started when my father died. I haven’t been able to write since then. I haven’t been trying to push myself, either. I understand feelings need their own time. It hasn’t helped that I have been suffering from sciatica just after the New Year. I have been putting my energy into healing both emotionally and physically. I have written down ideas for blog posts and my story. I want to write more about my character creation. I’ve also been suffering from writer’s block as I don’t like the scene I’m writing right now. I have decided to start fresh. I am keeping what I have written, and I will use some of it, just not the bit that annoys me. I have gotten to a start with a new start. I have heard lots of advice about not throwing anything away so everything will have a file somewhere.

Physical recovery hasn’t been too easy recently. My back seems better even though I still have pain if I sit too long. I am hoping I can start recovering more during the autumn when the weather cools down. Please take care of your body the best you can. I’m learning the hard way (again) that the back is very important, and when it breaks, it puts on the brakes. I haven’t been able to sit down on the computer chair as much, but luckily I can sit comfortably in other places. It’s a good reason for me to draw! I have drawn at multiple points in my life and am trying to get into the habit again. I don’t have any story-related pictures at the moment, but I am working on them! I have lots of creativity, and it cannot be stopped!

Emotionally, I am trying to take it easy. I know putting extra stress on me isn’t going to help. I have restarted doing mindfulness. For me, it’s mainly breathing exercises and using petting cats as a grounding exercise. I try not to listen to the voice in my head that says I am lazy and I should function like a normal person fully abled person. I will never be fully abled. I would be very happy with half-abled. I find it important to realise where that lazy voice is coming from. It helps me to stop listening to it. It’s not an instant fix, but you can have a big impact on how you feel by changing how you think.

I am also trying to keep busy. I am still continuing my psychology studies and learning more about what it is like to be a human. I am eagerly waiting for the next course to start! I am hoping to get some ideas to write blog posts from my course too. I have a lot of ideas listed, I just need to crack on them.

This post is basically about life goes on. This is also your message to take a deep breath and relax for a bit. Take a moment to enjoy your moment.

by Categories: PersonalTags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Still alive

I haven’t been writing as much this summer. I’ve had a few things over the summer and most of it was regarding one or another health condition. I have been battling with ADHD this summer. I was medicated when I started this blog and I’ve been off my meds for a bit because I haven’t been able to get an appointment for them. This is basically the state of the UK mental health services, and not just because of the pandemic. It’s been like this for years.

I’ve also been battling with covid and possible long covid or worsening of my conditions. Basically, I have had more brain fog and fatigue since covid. It’s slightly getting better now with time. I definitely do not want to have covid again.

I’m writing this for my sake. I am writing this so I don’t get too anxious about writing my next real post. I have a tendency to get more and more anxious as more time goes past. And this is a note that I will write again when I feel better.

by Categories: PersonalTags: , , , Leave a comment

Writing in Foreign Language

I am not a native English speaker. I do live in an English-speaking country and my main language is English right now. I do find it sometimes frustrating to write in English because I make mistakes. There are things about the English language I don’t seem to get easy. One of them is articles… I hope I am improving, but I think that is for someone else to judge.

So, what do I do to improve? There are a few things that help. Here is my list.

I use software to help. I have Grammarly and it helps with missing articles. I feel that helps me more than anything else. Someone suggested I should use a grammar book. I had a really expensive grammar book but it never helped me to notice missing articles in my writing. Grammarly helps me to identify them. There are other programs like ProWritingAid as well, but I don’t have personal experience with it.

Just write. It helps to get more comfortable with it. I would also recommend getting a native speaker as a beta reader and help you to improve. It will become more natural the more you write as well.

Try a course in the English language. I studied English at university but you don’t have to go that far. There are places like OpenLearn that offer free courses in many languages. Those are really useful to practise your basics.

Use it with others. Get a pen pal or go to an English-speaking group. This is what I did when I was living in my home country. Technically there were two groups in my town, one for university exchange students and the other for people living in the town. These two did mix as well. In Europe, Erasmus is one of the student exchange programs and they offer group activities as well. They also welcome natives. I answered so many questions about the town and the culture.

Read English books. Reading helps you unconsciously to learn. It helps to use difficult grammar, like articles for me, and helps you absorb the language. It also helps with writing. You start to learn how the narrative works.

This might be a little controversial, but watch tv, listen to podcasts, audiobooks, etc. I feel like I get the language being used today best from TV. Languages change very quickly, especially the words being used. We get new words, we lose words. The language evolves. Sometimes I like to watch a specific movie or tv show to get me in the right mood for writing. I try to use older, more formal language so if I watch something that uses similar language, it helps me to be in the right state of mind.

Lastly, don’t be scared of it. It is difficult to start, but if you keep up, it will get easier. Don’t be afraid to make mistakes, do the best you can and you will get better.

This is my list of writing in a foreign language. Please let me know if you have other tips that help you!

by Categories: PersonalTags: , , , Leave a comment

Mindfulness

Mindfulness has been a keyword for a while. Its concept is pretty simple. It’s about having awareness and mindfulness in the here and now. There is some research and much anecdotal evidence on how well it works on people. It is often recommended for anxiety, depression and stress management. Some people swear by it, and some people hate it. What is being sold is to sit still, breathe and be aware of things. I have ADHD. I find this impossible, but I do believe in mindfulness. What most people do practise mindfulness, therapists and otherwise, neglect to mention is that it is not the only way of mindfulness. I will share some of my tips for mindfulness.

The key to mindfulness is to be aware of the here and now. This includes what you feel, what you are thinking, and what is around you. You connect to the moment. It helps with anxiety as you can start to go off tangents with thinking and start to get to the bad outcomes in the moment. With depression, it’s a similar thing. You start thinking about the bad things happening right now or in the future. When you are in connection with here, and now, those will stop and help you think more clearly. It’s also very good for stress management, which is what I use it for.

One of the main types of mindfulness is breathing exercises. If you are reading my blog enough, it comes up everywhere. My favourites are box breathing or 478. I focus on the seconds. It doesn’t have to be exact. I think about the passing seconds as I breathe in, hold or breath out. This can be done almost anywhere. I often do it on the train, in waiting rooms, and walking to the clinics. For more effect, I sometimes stop and sit somewhere and close my eyes. It helps me focus more on the seconds passing.

If I need more help than just breathing, I do a progressive muscle relaxation exercise. It follows the breathing too. I start by making a fist, breathing in slowly and holding the fist for 4-7 seconds. I relax and breathe out and do it again. Then I move to the arms, forehead, and mouth. I go down to my upper neck by extending my head back, raising my shoulders, pulling my shoulders back, pushing out my stomach, and then my legs. I do a shorter, more discreet version if I am outside, though. I use this to fall asleep.

Mindfulness can be any activity you do in a day. It can be the act of making a cup of tea or coffee. Focusing on each step and taking in what your senses tell you. I prefer using my cats for this. I focus on how soft they are, on the sound of them purring, the different textures on their fur, and how they look and move. I also close my eyes some of the time. The cats love it too. One of them has a habit of bunting the phone off my hands if she doesn’t have my full attention. She has also laid down on my phone. I get the message. Also, nothing brings more awareness to the moment than a cat butt in my face.

Another version of mindfulness is yoga, pilates, Tai Chi, etc. I love mindfulness as Tai Chi. Slow controlled movements force me to focus on what my body is doing and how it feels. They all use breathing as well as timers. It doesn’t even need to be these three. I have used mindfulness at the gym before I knew what it was. I was fully focused on my form, my breathing and how many reps I was doing.

My message here is that mindfulness can be whatever you make of it. Taking part in a course is good, but not everyone will enjoy it. I didn’t. I tried two courses, and all I got was more frustrated that I couldn’t do it. I hope that my list gives you some ideas about what you can do.

by Categories: PersonalTags: , , , , , , , , Leave a comment

Taking Care of Yourself

I wanted to write this because I am feeling quite stressed right now. Stress isn’t good for anyone. If you have chronic conditions, mental or physical health ones, it can trigger those conditions. For example me, I have t1 diabetes, where stress makes my blood sugars worse. I also have hypothyroidism, which makes my ability to handle short term stress worse. I easily get problems with blood pressure and heart rate because hypothyroidism is closely linked with adrenals. I am also taking glucocorticoids (the other steroids), which suppress my body’s ability to make cortisol. For someone else with mental health conditions, it can cause anxiety or depression. You don’t have to have a chronic condition for these to help you, though!

The other big thing with stress and health conditions is preventing short-term stress from becoming chronic stress. Someone who already has chronic health problems, they already have some stress from their condition. We are more likely to get more mental health problems as well.

That is the background, so what can you do? The answer is quite a bit, actually. For short term stress, breathing exercises are amazing. They activate the vagus nerve, which is in charge of our relaxation. It forces the body out of stress mode. I prefer box breathing when I am outside and 478 when trying to fall asleep. The box breathing is when you breathe in 4 seconds, hold 4 seconds, breath out for 4 seconds and hold for another 4 and start over. You can find these in breathing apps or YouTube. You can even find them in Alexa apps. This is short term relief, and it’s effective, in my opinion!

If you experience more long term stress, there are things for that too! This is toted so much, but it works. It’s mindfulness. It doesn’t need to be just lying down and focusing on your body. I hate it. I like the one where you can just make yourself a cup of tea. You just completely focus on the task at hand. Other things include taking a slow walk. It doesn’t need to be agonisingly slow, just something where you can easily talk to someone without getting out of breath.

Hobbies are amazing. I highly recommend anything that takes your head away from everything else. It can be anything. I have found this is a few things. One of them was gym! I loved going to the gym. When I focused on movement and counting, I didn’t think anything else. The other is painting. It’s why the picture for this is orks. I have a small ork army that I have been enjoying painting. Some people enjoy their evening cleaning routine to destress. The hobby should also be something that doesn’t hurt anyone. If you feel like hurting yourself, please contact a help number. A text number for the US is 741741, and one for the UK is you can text “SHOUT” to 85258.

The best way is to incorporate these into your daily life even when you are not stressed. Knowing how to use these will help most when you are stressed, and they help prevent long-lasting effects of stress.

by Categories: PersonalTags: , , , , , , Leave a comment

My Mental Health Routine

Lately, I have been relying more on my mental health routines. I feel like I have been under a lot of stress, with Christmas, covid, my studies, and more recently, my father passed away. I feel like the main reason why I have been surviving reasonably well is my coping mechanism.

So firstly, I don’t think coping mechanisms are inherently bad. I believe there are good and bad ones. I have some bad ones. They mainly relate to chocolate… But I do have good ones as well. I have a selection of good habits where I choose what I need. Here is a list of some of them

  • Breathing techniques
  • Self-care
  • Relaxation exercises
  • Hobbies
  • Exercise

This isn’t an exhaustive list because, as someone with ADHD, I don’t remember everything writing like this.

My breathing technique is mainly 478 breathing, as I think it helps me more than the box breathing one. It helps reset the vagus nerve and allows our body to go from flight or fight to eat and digest. It naturally lowers heart rate and blood pressure. I highly recommend trying different techniques before settling into a preferred one. 478 might be too much for some, especially in the middle of a panic attack.

Self-care depends on the person. For me, it’s certain routines, like skin and hair masks, my normal skincare routine. I prefer using things that feel and smell nice without being doused in fragrance. I get to have a moment to myself, just focus on taking mental note of how I feel and what I need.

I have taken a liking to mindfulness and relaxation exercises. If I feel really stressed out, I will sit down in a calm place and put on a progressive relaxation video off YouTube. As a pet owner, I do take a moment with my cats. I just focus on how their fur feels, on their purring. It can be anything, as long as you focus on it completely. It could be just making tea or coffee and then drinking it.

This is one of my cats insisting on a belly scritch

Hobbies can be powerful too. It takes our minds off what is happening and allows the brain to relax a little. I do a lot of crafts. I can do loads of different ones without thinking much, but every once in a while, I choose a new technique so I can focus more on what I am doing. I am now painting an ork army from Warhammer 40k. I find it really relaxing figuring out what colour goes where and actually painting it. And, yes, I know, I’m a bit of a geek.

Exercise is an excellent way to reduce stress as well. It often gives small accomplishments which boost your self-esteem. If you suffer from chronic stress or chronic fatigue, like I do, lower heart rate exercises are often better to start with. I like walking and pilates.

I urge you to try different things to figure out what works for you. There are free mindfulness programs that help to start with it. I believe hobbies are good to start with. There are plenty that don’t cost too much, and you can find videos on YouTube. It’s how I have learnt a lot.

by Categories: PersonalTags: , , , , , , , Leave a comment

What does my ADHD look like?

Everyone who has ADHD has different symptoms. There is some overlap between these, but the whole range of symptoms varies heavily. I have something called combined ADHD. It means I have symptoms from both inattentive and hyperactive. The symptoms I list are when I am not medicated. They change quite a bit when I am taking meds.

Things that I have struggled with the most are keeping my attention on one task for long periods of time. I will stay focused for a few minutes. I often check my phone, Facebook or Twitter. Sometimes I go to check a word or concept I thought about. Most of the time has nothing to do with what I am doing, except some weird jump of thoughts that make no sense to most people.

If I have instructions with multiple steps or steps that are very complicated, I forget half of it. I have a tendency to remember the last bits, but not the beginning. In school, the instructions were often verbal, and I had no chance. I always ask them written now if it’s possible. I will also forget to follow through with them and miss steps. I am always thinking about what to do next, so I forget what I was supposed to do now.

I feel like I hear everything and they take away my attention. I can hear the train nearby, dog parking, one of my cats just did a tiny eek sound. All this is taking away my attention as I am here writing.

I will put down something, and it will be forever lost if I don’t put my whole focus on it. I wish I was kidding. I also have a habit of leaving stuff in weird places. Again I wish I was kidding.

If I have to focus longer periods of time, I will get tired and cranky. It uses my brain in a way that it’s not meant to. To me, it’s like sprinting when you are supposed to be having a nice walk. I do also tend to walk or run too fast than it’s comfortable.

I have trouble staying seated or still. I will want to move. Even right now, my feet are rubbing against each other in order for me to keep moving while writing. I cannot sit down without having something to do. When I read for uni studies, I tend to have something in my fingers. I have a few fidget toys and they do help.

I have also a tendency to buy things when I don’t need them, just because they are pretty. I am lucky that I have a very strong sense of not buying more than I can afford, but not everyone is as lucky as I am. Dept and money problems are often part of ADHD. It doesn’t help that seeing the big picture over longer periods of time is not easy. We tend to be quite here and now creatures so the end of the month can seem a very long way away.

I hate waiting. I want things to happen here and now. One reason is that I’m impatient, but also because I will forget in the future. When I have medical appointments, I have two reminders. One for the day before, and the other an hour before I need to leave. I would be absolutely lost without my phone.

There are some things that are heavily linked to ADHD that I do struggle with. The first one is emotions. The prefrontal cortex is a big part in control and this is the part that doesn’t work like neuronormal people prefrontal cortex works and it can be measured in fMRI. It controls our behaviour, which stimuli is important, emotional response, thoughts. Some people describe it as a secretary that handles all incoming information and forwards the important to the boss, the brain. With ADHD, this secretary quit. They are not there so everything is coming full force to the brain. Because this control centre is not working full time, emotions can run amok a bit. I often feel that I get very strong emotions. When I feel happy, I am extremely happy. When I feel sad, I feel like I can never be happy. I am on a constant emotional roller-coaster ride. This is not similar to bipolar, where I understand the emotions run for days, weeks or months. For me, I can feel extreme excitement, joy, sadness and go back to the excitement, in one hour. The emotions are also distractable. The right thing can make me feel best again. And I take rejection very personally. Most of the time it is not real rejection. It’s most of the time perceived rejection or something someone says about my work, my appearance, how I talk. It can be an offhand comment, and I will feel like I am not good enough and I am being rejected.

A lot of us feel like we are not good enough. Mine comes from trying to be as good as neuronormal people. I was trying to keep up in school, at work, in life. I have had many burnouts in my life, mainly in school. I was trying to keep up with other students. I put 150% into my work and I didn’t get good grades. I worked harder than most people in my class and I wasn’t good enough. Even with my diagnosis, I still feel like I need to compete with neuronormals but it’s impossible.

If you are reading this and you do not have ADHD, I hope you can understand us a bit better. If you do have ADHD, I hoped you liked reading it. If you do not have ADHD, but a lot of this rang a bell, I’d suggest taking an online ADHD test and taking it to the doctors and asking for a referral.

by Categories: PersonalTags: , , Leave a comment

Scary New World

Little back story of me. I was shielding since late March 2020. My body as a hobby likes to attack my internal organs, so I need to take medication that suppresses my immune system. They are cleverly names as immunosuppressants. I would die in about 10 years if I didn’t take these medications in a not a fun way. They protect me by lowering my immune system so something that is vital to keep me alive, doesn’t kill me. The unfortunate side effect then is that when I do get bugs, I tend to get them for longer, and often worse than people with normal immune systems. My immune system is not as effective as it could be. This is important note for later as you read. Because of this medication, I am more susceptible to getting bad form of covid. When I say bad, I mean hospital and possibly dying. I am not old. I am barely in my mid-30s. I don’t want to die or spent more time in a hospital than I already need to. I go to outpatient visits every couple of months to two or three clinics. Sometimes more when they want to do extra tests like DXA bone scans. If I get something like a stomach bug or ingest gluten, I end up spending some quality time with an IV. Depending on how quickly I go to hospital, it’s either three-hour visit or 5 days.

I have been lucky that UK did set up priority slots in home grocery deliveries. I got some of the government food parcels as well. Unfortunately, they had some stuff I couldn’t eat like bread, pasta and most meats, as they contain gluten, and I wasn’t in the mood for a hospital visit when the hospitals were overwhelmed with covid patients. We gave away the gluten containing food to others who needed them. Things were very scary for me. No one had any idea how bad things were for people with normal immune system, let alone for immune suppressed people like me. I consider myself very lucky to be able to get food delivered home. It wasn’t on a weekly basis most of the time. In the beginning, we relied on food parcels from Morrison’s and grocery delivery twice a month. For someone like me who needs to eat healthy to have any energy and be able to function like at a half pace, it was tough.

Freedom day was couple of weeks ago. It is terrifying for me and people like me. We had to go to the shops. I needed meds, some vitamin D and some food that didn’t arrive on the grocery delivery. We did a ‘divide and conquer’. I did some shops, and my partner did others. It was the first time I’ve been to Tesco. It was packed and less than half were wearing masks. Some were wearing masks under their chin. Most of the time I was trying to breathe so I wouldn’t have a full-blown panic attack inside the shop. Do you want to know why it was so terrifying for me? People who have immune system like mine, either from medications, cancer or cancer treatments, do not have fully functional immune system. I already mentioned, but this means that we cannot fight infections well and more importantly, we do not make antibodies like people with healthy immune systems. I have been double vaccinated. There is a significant risk, that people like me do not have enough antibodies to protect us from serious covid. We still need to go out and mingle with everyone. We are no longer shielded. We have to go to the office or workplace if they deem us or quit. There is no legal protection for us to stay at home if workplace says no.  Also importantly, we do not want things to go back to what it was, into lockdown. We just want to be considered, to be heard. We have no problems with things normalising, as long as people could keep their distance and wear masks. The government deems that hospitals have now enough beds for us, but we don’t want to be in the situation where we have to go to the hospital. Masks are not a perfect solution. But if it helps tiny bit, it is tiny bit more than we had before.

I do not want to be a sacrifice and a number for covid. I want to be able to live after this same as everyone else. So could you please wear a mask?

by Categories: PersonalTags: , , , , , Leave a comment

My current story

 My new story! It is about a sort of ordinary woman. She is like me! I have given her some of my traits. She has ADHD like I do. Hers doesn’t seem to be as bad as mine is. Or that is just the shock of her new situation! Stress does weird things to ADHD. 

Anyway, getting side tracked already! She is from London, and finds something odd and decides to go through it. She ends up in the middle ages with magic! She finds new people, new friends who will end up being her family! She ends up in the middle of a bad situation. The kingdom she ends up in, has a evil ruler. The normal, greedy bastard who has some evil men working for him as well. The people she is with, want to change it back to peaceful place it was before him. So, she goes with them.She helps them as much as she can, she fights with them, and gets hurt with them.

This is a story of her growth, her finding a place to belong, of her going through difficult situations and how she overcomes her trauma. There is a lot more, but I can’t tell everything in a blog! I haven’t decided what to do with the story when it’s finished. This is the first part of it though. I have enough ideas for three stories! I might selfpublish. In case I do, I don’t want to give away too much.. I will however post bits of chapters in the future! I will also post about difficulties about writing, what I have come up with and how do I keep going on with writing. With ADHD, it is a bit tricky.

by Categories: PersonalTags: , , , , , Leave a comment

Who am I?

As you visit this site regularly, you will start to see some themes. There are a few things that are imporant to me, including the environment, adopt don’t shop, psychology, mental health and my writing.

Psychology is important to me. It even comes up when I’m writing my story. I have hidden quite a bit of psychology in my story. It comes in ideas of 54321 method for example. I am a psychology student in university. I can’t help it.

This blog will be in two parts. One of them will be a more personal blog with my thoughts and ideas. The other part is about my writing. It will include what I have struggled with, what was easy and short stories.

A fw things about me that you might find interesting!

  • I have four autoimmune diseases, which include t1 diabetes, hashimoto’s and coeliac
  • I have two cats but I would love to get a dog or two
  • Like I said, I am studying psychology, but this isn’t my first time in uni
  • I have previously studied English philology in university
  • I am not native English speaker. I am a native Finnish speaker!
  • I have always wanted to learn how to play cello

by Categories: PersonalTags: , , , Leave a comment